How to Handle an Alienated Child on Your Parenting Time

Do I get asked what do I do when my child has been alienated from me? I still get them on my parenting time however they are horrible to me, constantly on the phone with their other parent, and they are destroying my things and my home. When I ask my children to put their cell phones down or away, they scream at me and tell me it is illegal for me to take their phones or to tell them what to do with their phones — they have a right to talk with their other parent whenever they want. My children never behaved this way prior to our divorce and progressively, over the past couple of months, they have turned into animals. Just yesterday my 13-year-old daughter said to me, "Why don't you just give up? You are never going to win in court, you never have and you never will. I hate you."

HELP! What do I do?

Well, you have come to the right place. The first thing to do is, of course, take a deep breath, and know that she really does not hate you. When we look at this client's question we can identify several things that are happening:

• The children are constantly on the phone with the other parent during parenting time
• The children are destroying property
• The children are making statements about court
• The children are making bold statements of hate

So let's break this down. First, take note that these children were not always this way — they changed after the divorce. This tells us immediately that the children were coached or influenced into this behavior.

Now, what do you do with this child who is out of control and making statements about hating you and statements about court?

When your alienated child is out of control and they make bold statements like what is happening in court, simply say to them: "I can see that you are upset. I want you to know that no matter what happens or how you behave I will always love you. I do want you to understand that I may not be perfect all the time, but I will always do what I feel is in your best interest. When you behave the way you are behaving, it reflects poorly on your (mom or dad) and could actually get them in trouble with the judge in court. I know you do not want your other parent to get into trouble. I can't control your behavior — only you can. You can decide to behave appropriately or not. Whatever you choose, I will always love you."

Now here is the tricky part. BE QUIET. No more responding, explaining, and pleading. Simply speak your peace and move on. Alienated children will do whatever it takes to protect the favored parent. This is counter-intuitive but it works.

If it does not work the first time, repeat and then be quiet. When you repeat this enough, the child will start to realize that it is important to comply with the court orders so that their other parent does not get into trouble with the judge. POWERFUL! And it works.

Now some of you may be thinking, "I was told not to talk to the kids about what happens in court, or about the fact that we are in court." Well, under normal circumstances I would agree — however, these children already know about court, and they have most likely heard a very skewed version of what the other parent wants them to believe. As you read, these children told their mother to give up and she was going to lose in court like she always does.

The second thing that this parent needs some help with is the constant phone calls and text messages. What do you do? Well, here are two tools that, which works like magic is to simply, not respond. This is also counter-intuitive. We are always trying to teach our children right from wrong and the appropriate way to treat other people. In a normal situation that works, however with alienated children you are in a whole different ballgame.

1. What do you do when the child is in constant communication with the other parent and won't give up their phone?

I see rejected parents constantly afraid of what would happen if they actually parented — this happens mainly because most parents swing from permissive parenting style to authoritarian parenting styles out of fear and frustration. Stop the madness by sitting the children down and having "your attorney" speak to your children and explain to them via the speaker phone — they are to give you their cell phones and that you will be keeping them for the duration of their time with you and they will get them back at the time they will be returning to the other parent's home. Have your attorney say to the children, "now please hand your phones over to your mom/dad now, it is important to comply with the court orders so that your other parent does not get into trouble with the judge." POWERFUL! And it works.

2. What do you do about the child making bold statements of hate and statements about what is happening in court?

Allow the child to use the cell phone or the house phone, if they need to speak to the other parent and have your attorney say to the children, "now please hand your phones over to your mom/dad now, it is important to comply with the court orders so that your other parent does not get into trouble with the judge." POWERFUL! And it works.

Now some of you may be thinking, "I was told not to talk to the kids about what happens in court, or about the fact that we are in court." Well, under normal circumstances I would agree, however these children already know about court, and they have most likely heard a very skewed version of what the other parent wants them to believe.

Armed with these tools, you can restore calm in your home and give your children the opportunity to relax and have fun with you, without the constant barrage of text messages and phone calls from the favored parent, which keeps the child unstable. Using these methods gives your children the opportunity to be children — and they can't be children if they are constantly under fire from the favored parent who will not give them a break. Remember, you are also their parent. Traditional parenting styles do not work while the child is under the influence of alienation, and so you must arm yourself with new conscious ways of being a parent so that you can empower your children to be the best people they can be in the world.

Try it and see what happens. Let me know how it worked out for you.

Create an AMAZING day!
Dorcy