My Personal Journey Through Parental Alienation

Today after sending my beautiful daughters off to spend the day with their father I can't help thinking about my own father and the tragedy of the loss of our relationship when I was a young girl. I think about how hard it is to do it right. How hard it is to watch these little girls travel off with their own father yet knowing that even though it is hard for me it is what is best for them.

As an adult child of Parental Alienation I know the enormous pain that is felt by a child who has lost their parent. I know the enormous pain as a divorced mom and the fact that I can't be with my children 24/7 and the fact that their father has a say so too. I am frustrated constantly by his passive aggressive behavior even though I know that it is his own fear. I want to be enraged and do it back to him. A severe alienator raised me and I certainly have seen all the tricks in the book. I had participated in these behaviors as a child, with my own father. Yet the moment I go to those thoughts with my kids and their father I have to check myself. I have to say to myself, "Is that really what I want to do to my children? Is that really what I think is best for them?" The answer is always a resounding NO.

So today I am sitting here saddened by the many people who have spent many years suffering at the hands of this ill fated global epidemic, Parental Alienation. From the children who suffer in silence not knowing what is happening to them, as one of the people who gave them life manipulates their minds into believing that their other parent is not worthy of being a parent and that the other parent is not capable of being as good of a parent as they are, or worse, that a loving parent does not love them. That somehow in this manipulation these young minds are being robbed of their God given right to have a relationship with both of their parents. These young people have no idea what is happening. They have fallen victim to this horrible tragedy. Many of these young people grow up without one of their parents actively in their lives and in doing so this has caused problems with all of their adult relationships. This has caused many to search outside of themselves in very destructive ways for something that really is only found within — love and self worth.

I personally understand the pain of the alienated parent. I know the heartbreak, the loneliness, the frustration and the anger that can consume a person's whole being when they feel robbed of the right to be a parent. I personally have experienced the fears of becoming the rejected parent. I understand the desire to fight back and to want to hurt the other person the way they hurt you. I understand the desire to want to pull the other parent out by the hair. Trust me, I get it.

However, as a child of parental alienation I know first hand what it feels like to be in the middle of all of that adult garbage. I know what it is like to not know how to feel. To not know whether you are supposed to love or hate a parent. To be so confused all the time. To have a parent who would rather use you as a pawn in his or her personal vendetta and to hell with what is really in your best interest. I know what it is like to be robbed of a loving and healthy relationship with one of the most important people in my life, my dad. I know what it is like to grow up and to not have had that relationship with him and to carry that in to my adult life, in to my relationships with men.

I also know that it is never too late to change. I know the positive power of consciousness and proactive thought. I know that with the right tools and information that anyone can change their situation. That anyone can take back their life and the life of their children. I know this because I have done it in my own life and I have watched it happen in the lives of the people I have worked with.

I am here today as a voice for all of the people involved in this epidemic. I am here today because I believe in positive and proactive change. I know that some people may have character flaws but that does not make them a bad parent or that they should not have a right to have a relationship with their children. Interestingly, although my father is not the greatest man that ever lived, neither is my mother, and if I were to look at the two of them as parents — in my father's presence I ALWAYS feel loved. I have had the most tumultuous relationship with my mother. She has been mean, hateful, and when confronted she is in complete denial. I have tried for many years to mend this relationship and still hold out hope that my mother will have an even bigger voice for change. I believe that everyone does what they do out of love or fear. I believe that my mother has been processing from a place of fear her entire life and that she has never truly loved herself so she has never been able to love others. She does not know what it feels like to be loved. I am holding the space open for her and for other alienators to step up to admit that they have done something that is hurting their children, to own their behavior, and to change.

I know many of you reading this may think this is silly and impossible. At times I feel the same way. However in the past 90 days I have been working with a handful of parents that answered a call to participate in a study to see if they could change their behavior. I have to tell you the results are astounding. I have seen positive change in people that I never thought would be possible.

It is never too late to change. Anybody can do it. It takes a village to raise a child. It takes proactive action and conscious parenting. If you are an alienating parent and you know who you are, reach out and seek the help you need to get right on the inside. Step up and really do what is necessary to provide a loving environment for your children. If you are a target parent, take back your life. Do the work you need to do to become aware of how you are contributing. Stop thinking and acting like a victim and take control of the situation. Find the right people to help you take back your power and your relationship with your children. If you are a child of PAS, adult or otherwise, you are the true victim here but it does not have to stay that way. It really is never too late to take control of your life. To learn the skills you need to reconnect with your other parent and loved ones.

There are so many ways to bring our families together. So many things that we ALL can do differently. I am here as a voice and as a leader in proactive and positive change.

One of the reasons I wanted to share my own personal journey with Parental Alienation is because I feel that it is very important for me to acknowledge that I am human. I am on a constant journey of evolution and growth. I do not have all of the answers. I do not always do everything right. I am not perfect, however I try to learn something new every day and use every day as an opportunity to do something different for myself and for those around me.

I also shared because I am in the unique position of having experienced PAS from two perspectives: as a child AND as a parent. I have worked through my own healing journey on my own and through getting educated and now I help others do exactly the same thing. I have to admit that it is not easy. I still struggle with staying in touch and letting go of the old pain. When it creeps up I recognize it much faster and deal with it in a proactive way.

The other reason I wanted to share is unless you know me personally or have worked with me you have not heard my personal story with parental alienation. I have not shared my own experience with PAS because I was ashamed of how I behaved for so many years towards my father and my experience has been so painful I did not want to share it. I also still have not mended my relationship with my mother, the main alienator in my life. I would like to think that at some point I can have peace surrounding the relationships with both of my parents.

I would like to point out that some of the things my mother said about my father were true, however it is important to remember that people are here to learn and grow and that regardless of what our parents do or don't do, they are our parents and we do not have the right to rob our children of a relationship with either parent, just because we don't like the other parent.

I know many of you reading this may think this is silly and impossible. At times I feel the same way. However in the past 90 days I have been working with a handful of parents that answered a call to participate in a study to see if they could change their behavior. I have to tell you the results are astounding. I have seen positive change in people that I never thought would be possible.

It is never too late to change. Anybody can do it. It takes a village to raise a child. It takes proactive action and conscious parenting. If you are an alienating parent and you know who you are, reach out and seek the help you need to get right on the inside. Step up and really do what is necessary to provide a loving environment for your children. If you are a target parent, take back your life. Do the work you need to do to become aware of how you are contributing. Stop thinking and acting like a victim and take control of the situation. Find the right people to help you take back your power and your relationship with your children. If you are a child of PAS, adult or otherwise, you are the true victim here but it does not have to stay that way. It really is never too late to take control of your life. To learn the skills you need to reconnect with your other parent and loved ones.

There are so many ways to bring our families together. So many things that we ALL can do differently. I am here as a voice and as a leader in proactive and positive change.

Thank you for letting me share with you a brief glimpse into my personal journey with Parental Alienation.

Happy Father's Day to all of the wonderful fathers in the world. To the fathers who are being denied the right to being an active father, just know that deep down inside your children they hold a space of unconditional love for you. They are just being robbed of their ability to take action and to show it. Say it out loud on this special day — I LOVE YOU to your children even if they can't hear you, they can feel it. Unconditional love does not stop just because they are not in your everyday life.

In love, light and peace,
Dorcy Russell