If you're reading this, chances are you are not in relationship with your child right now. It is deeply troubling and sad when this happens, especially when it is unwarranted or could have been prevented. There is an entire population of children who have lost a parent due to death, and yet you are living and breathing and ready to reunite. Luckily, it's possible for you and your child to be back in relationship. Here's how.
1. Let go of the resentment
This is going to be a tough one for many. But you have to let go of the negativity you have towards your co-parent, and maybe even your child. Resentment is like poison. It will slowly but surely take over. I can't tell you how many times a parent will let this resentment come out, towards and onto the child. Maybe they start telling the child all the 'alienating' behaviors their parent did, essentially doing the same thing their other parent did, just for different reasons. This will affect the relationship with your child. And it will affect you. This doesn't mean you can't be upset with the other parent, but use it as motivation to be a better parent, not a poisonous one.
2. Take (certain) responsibility
This is also going to be a tough pill to swallow. There a 0% chance that you have 0% responsibility to take. Now, this is NOT to be mistaken for blame. It is simply a matter of taking responsibility for any kernels of truth, and for having children with the person who is alienating. No need to write an elaborate apology letter, but if it comes up in conversation then you should always take responsibility where necessary, and never where it's not.
3. Adopt a growth mindset
When you become open to growth and change, it's practically a superpower. You will be willing to learn, adapt, be open to feedback, take responsibility for what hasn't worked, shift, and so on. You will always keep your eye on the ball and be determined to reunite if this is your mindset.
4. Always show up for your child
It doesn't matter if they don't respond- keep texting. Shift the way in which you do so, but still do so. It doesn't matter if they respond in a hostile manner, keep showing up with unconditional love. But make it about them, not you. The last thing you want is for your already hurt child to suffer even more by confirming a delusional belief that you aren't there for them. And they aren't going to 'come around someday' if they don't think you're there for them. Most, if not all, alienated children who claim they don't want to hear from their parent, later accuse them of not loving them, showing up enough, etc and that this was hurtful to them. Show up!
5. Do the inner work
Inner work is rather vague, so let me explain. Do what is necessary to heal. Heal from your own childhood trauma, heal from adult heartache, heal from the pain of being cutoff from a child. Yes- it's painful, No- it doesn't have to continue to affect you the way it has. An unhealthy state of mind may keep your child at bay. Healing yourself allows you to be the soft place to land for your child. And that is the only place you want to be in.
Staying on track with these 5 tips will keep you on the path to attracting your child back. When you shift, your children feel the shift in your energy. If you're struggling with these tips, you may want to seek the support of others in your shoes and who are in the same boat. Check out the Chosen Parent Collective which includes monthly guidance from Dorcy on the group call.
Excellent article. I lived thru all of that. 30 years later it’s not much better, but I turn the pain over to God and keep reaching out to the kids.