Your Spouse, Their Children, Your Time, Their Balance

Marrying someone who already has children can be a blessing. It can also be a challenge, especially when you're dealing with an insecure co-parent. The heart wants what the heart wants, and sometimes you have to take the bad with the good. You want to make the most of it and be careful not to step on anyone's toes when becoming a step parent. Here are some tips for splitting your time between your spouse and their children.

1. Understand You Won't Always Be #1

Yes, when you get married it's supposed to be about you and your spouse, everything is centered around you. When you or they have children, that tends to go out the window. Your spouse has had time to get used to splitting their emotions and sharing their heart. Now, you have to understand that you won't always come first. However, knowing that upfront is half the battle. It will hurt sometimes, but you knew this going in. And know that you are still loved, even if you are not always priority number one.

2. Don't Try to Replace Anyone

Understand that you can't replace the other parent, whether they are present or not. While you may be a great person and even a wonderful parent figure to these kids, you are not their parent. Be the bonus parent that you are, but don't try to compete or replace.

3. Find Couple Time

This may seem impossible in the mix of a busy blended family schedule, but it's important. Get creative! Wait until the kids are in bed if need be. Steal away time during your lunch break. Make sure you're finding time to be a couple.

4. Make it Clear You Want Your Spouse to Spend Time with Their Children

You're not in competition. You can allow them to have one-on-one time without hurting anyone's feelings. Allow one-on-one time for your spouse and their child(ren) and make your own plans, on occasion.

5. Communicate

This one is obvious, but setting aside time to communicate about the family dynamic, upcoming plans, emotions, feelings, etc. will be important as you navigate the new dynamic of being in relationship when children are involved.

6. Go on Vacation

Every now and then, plan some time when your spouse's children will be with another parent. Make it a priority to get away together, even if just a few days.

7. Enjoy the Little Things

A busy life can make it hard to find time together. Stealing away moments — a cup of coffee together before the kids wake up, a walk after dinner, a shared TV show after bedtime — keeps you connected even on the busiest days.

Being in relationship with someone who has children from a previous relationship is a balancing act. Establishing a good, stable home life is important for everyone involved, especially the children. Be there, but don't be needy. Always understand that your spouse can have room in their heart to love you and their children.

However, if you ever get to the point where you're feeling neglected, make sure to take your spouse aside — away from the children — and let them know how you're feeling. Suggest some of the activities listed above to reconnect. Your spouse should appreciate your honesty, and want to accommodate you as best they can.

Marrying a person with children doesn't have to be a deal breaker as long as you're willing to work at it, and so is the other person. Check out our stepparents' e-book guide (LINK: https://consciouscoparentinginstitute.com/step-parents-guide/) for more ways to be a conscious bonus parent!